Motherhood, Feeling Inadequate and Finding My Footing Again In Time
In January of last year my son was born, he started as a tiny, wriggly, wrinkled babe.
He is now a wild beast who’s madly in love with his sister, lives for being chased, probably has dirt on himself and perpetually has bedhead.
It was a year and a half away from painting, struggling to learn how to best support him while still being there for Juner who felt so small. The challenges that would be presented and the loneliness that was often present was beyond anything I could’ve ever anticipated.
The hardest part to reconcile was how much longer it took to bond with him. I was riddled with guilt and confusion for not feeling like I could connect with him when connection had some so easily with Juner. Those first few months were so difficult, I just wish someone had told mejusthow different it could be.
Thankfully there were glimmers of light along the way that eventually we would find our footing(and I’m happy to say that we did). In the midst of the challenges my heart never stopped growing with love for my kids. Through the doubt, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy love persevered (and grew) through it all.
As we entered into the New Year we finally started to find our footing as a family of four and I picked up my paintbrushes for the first time in what felt like forever. My son is now often next to me playing with dry brushes beside his sister sharing her easel while I work at my desk.
Sometimes it feels like things move painfully slow but mostly I’m just trying to take things day by day and keep my expectations low.
Having my son has definitely created a slower pace in our lives but it’s also reconnected us more deeply with the natural world around us. We aren’t winning any races here but taking our cues from nature has helped us flourish more often than not.
Everything comes in time and there’s a lot to be learned in the slow and steady pace of our new rhythms.
After a lot of consideration it’s safe to say I won’t be releasing any major collections anytime soon but I am in the early stages of a new series of work focused on living more in tune with the environment and seeking out exhibition opportunities.